Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
