Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
