oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
