he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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