The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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