Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
