My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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