I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
