You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
