Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize