my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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