Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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