broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
