I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
