yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
