I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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