the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
