Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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