I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize