I faked an abortion last night.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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