I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize