I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
