Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
