dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
