Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
