3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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