Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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