I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
