Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
