Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
