I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
