May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
