When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
