We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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