she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
