Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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