I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
