I wish I could teleport
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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