my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize