Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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