i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize