I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
