the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
