FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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