I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
