Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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