I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
