It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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