Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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