My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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