my room smells like sperm. sweet.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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