it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
the liver wants what the liver wants
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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