i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
