shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
