Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
