I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
