I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
