My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
whose parrot is this?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
